How to fall in love

More than twenty years ago, my fiancé and I were in the middle of premarital couple’s therapy. I requested it because we had been struggling. Something felt off. I couldn’t name it. We were getting married in a couple of months. I wanted to fix the problem.

During our final session, while he was talking to the therapist about his past relationships, suddenly, out of nowhere, it seemed like someone hit the mute button on his voice. My physical surroundings blurred.

And then, it felt as if someone leaned in close to my ear and, in a tender, loving voice, said: He cannot give you what you’re looking for. That’s it. Nothing more. The words were clear as a bell.

Not a second later, a wave of peace washed over me, unlike anything I had ever experienced. My body exhaled, and every ounce of tension I was feeling about our relationship woes was gone. There wasn’t a single “but” or “what if.” My mind was at ease and clear of all disturbance.

And just like that, my attention snapped back to the session in progress.

I looked over at my fiancé, who was still in the middle of telling his story. My heart swelled with love and compassion for him. This love felt pure and uncomplicated. I had a clear thought: I don’t want to ask him to change. Let him be who he is.

What happened next, in very short order:

I sat quietly until the therapy session ended. For someone who talks a lot, there was nothing more I needed to say. He had the last few words.

We got into our car to drive home. It was quiet for a few minutes.

With a kind, albeit shaky, voice, I said to him, “I don’t think we should get married.” It felt right.

It didn’t go over well. He adamantly disagreed. He flooded me with his reasons why. I tried to explain, but, my resolve began to unravel.

I fell silent.

This is not easy to say, even today, but we got married. Now we are not. The marriage lasted 24 years.

The day I said, “I do” I was really saying, “I can make this work.” And I did, but not without a cost to both of us.

Back then, I had a fragile hold on my intuitive experience. I knew very little about how intuition works, its language, and how to interpret it. And clearly, I didn’t know how to integrate it into my life. I couldn’t foresee at the time the heartbreaking consequences of ignoring it and moving on with our wedding plans.

What I know now, beyond a shadow of a doubt, our intuition is more than just a gut feeling. It holds a powerful force for change and transformation.

It is the voice of love within you.

It is you.
It is your anchor.
It is home.

In the 15 years I have worked as an intuitive, doing thousands of sessions, here is what I know can result from constantly overriding, shrugging off and abandoning our intuitive inner knowing that something isn’t right for us:

Intolerable emotional and mental stress
Constantly explaining and justifying our actions
Difficulty in making decisions
Feeling unsafe and playing it small
Chronic health issues
Missed opportunities in work and love
Feeling lost without direction or purpose
Financial instability
Stressful family relationships
Being risk-averse and feeling stuck
Loss of self-worth

The loss of precious time is the toughest consequence from that day in therapy, I’ve had to make peace with.

When I feel the sting of it, Maya Angelou’s words comfort me:

Forgive yourself for not knowing what you didn’t know before you learned it.

This is what I have learned. Every action you take, no matter how big or small, that is aligned with your higher self is an act of self-love. And, every act of self-love is an act of love toward others (even if they don’t see it that way at the time, trust me, it is).

Replaying that day in the therapist’s office I now see it this way:

The voice didn’t say, “Do not marry this man.” Our intuitive self, our love, never dictates to us. It gently points the way to what really matters. It carries profound significance that we sometimes don’t discover until later.

The voice did say, “He cannot give you what you are looking for.”

What I was really looking for that day in the therapist’s office wasn’t how to fix us,but rather how to fall in love. With myself, for myself. No one else can give you that.

Find that love in you and hold tight. It will set you free.

With gratitude and love,